A No Good, Very Bad Day

Today I am feeling a little Alexander-ish....You know Alexander of the No Good, Very Bad Day fame.  It was just one of those days.  I am, in most instances, a glass half-full, silver lining kind of gal, but today...well, today I am just not.

This morning LJB had speech therapy.  As with most of our ST sessions, though our therapist offers good advice and seems pleased enough with LJB's progress, Mr B and I always leave frustrated.  Frustrated because the progress is not coming quickly enough.  Even though I know it isn't true, I guess a part of me is still holding on to hope that his delays are related to not being able to hear during a crucial developmental period (ear infections, tubes, etc.).  I still can almost convince myself that this whole autism thing is much ado about nothing and that all this kiddo needs is just a few more months of functioning eustachian tubes and the language will come.  Some day he will have a language burst and we'll be all caught up and all the doctors and therapists will be amazed and dumbfounded because their diagnosis was wrong because in my fantasy, being able to talk cures all LJB's behavioral issues and sensory struggles.  Then we have a therapy session and I am quickly reminded that my kid is autistic.  It's not a mistake, and it's not going away.  Each time I have this ah-ha moment, I have a good cry then put a pretend smile on my face.  All the while my heart is broken again, for the 9,000,000,000th time.  It's not going away. 

I cried on my way into work today, but mama had things to do and sometimes, getting away from autism and into my work world actually brings me some peace.  After therapy, I had 6 hours today of working time before I had to go to an appointment for LJB's new behavioral support plan.  I had about 10 hours worth of work to try and squeeze in to 6 hours.  I skipped lunch, asked my administrative assistant to do some clerical things I usually handle myself, and skipped my 32oz. Diet Dr Pepper to avoid wasting time going to the bathroom.  I was on a mission.  The clocked ticked on and soon enough it was time for me to leave or I was going to miss the appointment.  As I was headed down the hall to get my things and head off to LJB's appointment, I was stopped by my boss.  "Hey, Leanna.  Do you have a minute?  We need to discuss this new account you are going to be handling."  Of course, I couldn't tell him no.

I missed the appointment.  As I called to tell them I wasn't going to make it, I broke out in tears.  Another sobbing car ride ensued.  Now I am jammie-clad typing away listening to Kipper in the background.  Today still sucked, but it does feel a little bit better.

"After all, tomorrow is another day."